What does it mean to be a “toxic” person?
I have grown to despise this term more and more as of lately. In our world today, the word “toxic” is overused and often an excuse to avoid accountability for our own behavior. We all exhibit toxic behaviors from time to time. Expecting a person to act and behave perfectly all of the time is completely unrealistic, especially if a person is going through a difficult period in their life or under a lot of stress. We don’t always know when someone is going through a difficult period of life or in stressful situations. It is important to acknowledge that we may not have the full story so we must be willing to show grace and compassion for others when they are demonstrating toxic behaviors. Not all people are even aware of their toxicity. Some people are more focused on other’s toxicity rather than their own – but with time, many people are able to self-reflect and work towards self-improvement rather than focusing on how other people may need to improve. However, what sets a true “toxic” person apart from the average person is their consistent negative behaviors over a long period of time. True toxicity exists when a person is unwilling to acknowledge and improve their behavior. Truly toxic people expect others to constantly work on their behavior but never work on improving their own. Once you improve your weak areas, they move the goal posts and expect more and more out of you while giving nothing in return.
Another point worth mentioning is that our perception of a person’s behavior is not always accurate. For example, we may perceive a shy person as rude and unfriendly when in reality they may be afraid of being judged so they shy away from social interactions with people they don’t know very well. In addition, we must become aware of our personal “triggers” and understand that just because someone triggers us, does not mean they are a negative or toxic person. Make sure to consider the other person’s intention and your own pain before writing someone off as “toxic”.
Most Common Traits of Highly Toxic Individuals
In order to identify a highly “toxic” person, we must know what to look out for. See the list below for the most common toxic traits:
- Toxic people are manipulative. Period. They use anyone and everyone in their life to achieve their own selfish desires. They do not care what you want and will not consider your wants or needs. They may seem to in the beginning, but that is part of how they manipulate you. They essentially groom you to buy into their facade so they can take full advantage of you later on. Often, these individuals are skilled manipulators and have been perfecting their craft for years; therefore, it is likely you may not even realize it until much later on.
- Toxic people are judgmental. When you first get to know a person, pay attention to how they criticize others to their face and behind their back. Before long, they’ll be doing the same to you. Their focus will be on what you’ve done or what you didn’t do – it will never be about them. If you ever try to hold them accountable, expect an intense reaction.
- Toxic people take no responsibility for their own feelings. They project their feelings onto you. More simply, this means the toxic person will unconsciously take their unwanted emotions or traits they do not like about themselves and attribute them to you. They may even behave in a particular way to evoke a negative response from you so they can blame you for your reaction or response. If you question them, they will defend themselves and their perspectives forevermore. They will not take responsibility for what they have done. If they do, it will either benefit them in some way or be a set up for future manipulation.
- Toxic people do not apologize. Everything will always be someone else’s fault. If they do apologize, it will be a poor excuse for an apology and they will not make any effort to improve their behavior. They may even go so far as to play victim in order to gain sympathy and attention from others.
- Toxic people are inconsistent. They are not the same person every time you are with them. Notice how their personality shifts depending on their audience. If they have a motive or want to accomplish something from a situation, their attitude, behavior, and perspective may drastically change. They know how to turn on the charm when they want something from you.
- Toxic people make you prove yourself to them. This can be done in various ways and in various situations from mild to extreme. For example, they may ask you where you want to go for dinner. When you tell them where you’d like to go, they will make an excuse as to why they don’t want to go there – “I just had that last week; we can go anywhere but there” or “ugh, I hate that place” – when they go there with their friends all the time. They essentially force you to conform to their wants, needs, or desires. In the most severe circumstances, this can turn into a “divide-and-conquer” situation where the only choice is them, even if that means severing ties with other close relationships you may have.
- Toxic people make you defend yourself. Healthy people are interested in compromising and resolving conflict so that everyone can be satisfied. Toxic people are only interested in satisfying themselves. They do not care about your point of view or resolving an issue. They will manipulate you by being vague, playing victim, and diverting attention away from the issue. They will focus on how you’re discussing the issue – your tone, your demeanor, your words, etc. Their focus is on problems, never a solution.
- Toxic people are not caring, supportive, or interested in what is important to you. They will always find a way to divert the attention back to them. If bad things happen to you, something worse happened to them. If good things happen to you, something better happened to them. If you’re having a struggle in a certain area of your life, they will go on and on about how great that area of their life is OR how their situation is worse. If you have plans with them, they ditch you when a more exciting opportunity comes along. If you are talking about something you are passionate about, they change the subject. They make sure the attention is always on them. Often, they will appear uninterested during conversations where the attention is on someone else.
While many traits are listed above, this is certainly not all of them – these are just the most common. I saw the list below in a post on Instagram which indicates more specific qualities often seen in toxic individuals.
Final Thoughts
To reiterate, we all demonstrate toxic behaviors at some point in our lives and that is okay. We are only human. When we take the time to self-reflect and make an effort to become more aware of our own toxicity, we can better ourselves and be better to those around us. Most people do not want to hurt others and will give effort to better themselves so they don’t continue to hurt people in their lives. Unfortunately, there are people in the world who refuse to take responsibility for their own actions and behaviors and they don’t care if they hurt you. Sure, they may not necessarily “want” to hurt you, but they don’t care enough to make an effort not to. These people are unhealthy to have any type of close relationship with. They will make you feel unheard, unseen, and unimportant – just so they can feel heard, seen, and important. People can always change, but highly toxic people generally do not.
In addition, a person can be “toxic” to one person, but seemingly not to another. How? Well, it is actually quite simple. Individuals that they do not appear toxic to are the people they can continue to gain an advantage from. At their very core, toxic people are skilled manipulators lacking the ability to care for or truly empathize with another person. Every person in their lives are on puppet strings and they are the puppet master. They get a thrill of being able to take advantage of other people for whatever reason it may be. They love knowing they can control other people without them even noticing. They may even be able to show “empathy” in situations, but this is usually due to their observation of other people’s behavior. They learn how to fake empathy and are able to imitate what they have seen others do. Truly toxic people will be on their best behavior around those they can gain any advantage from – no matter how big or small that advantage may be. Once they can no longer gain anything from you, they will begin to treat you badly or just forget you exist all together – because your existence no longer serves them. Beware of these people and keep distance from them. Find people who truly care about you, who will not use you to their advantage, who will uplift you, and who want to see good things happen to you. Don’t waste anymore time on those who don’t.
This article served as a guide for this post.
Main + Meg 