Tag: Emotional Abuse

Compassion For The Narcissist

Compassion For The Narcissist

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Should I have compassion for a narcissist?

First and foremost, narcissism exists on a spectrum. We all display narcissistic traits from time to time. This is completely normal. However, there are some individuals who are higher on the spectrum and/or have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). In order to be diagnosed with the personality disorder, you must meet the criteria listed in the DSM-5. It is also important to mention just because a narcissistic individual is not diagnosed with NPD does not mean their personal narcissistic traits can’t be equally harmful as a person with diagnosed NPD. Narcissists often have a history of neglect or abuse in childhood or some other traumatic childhood experience. Knowing this, you may naturally have empathy and compassion for a narcissistic individual.

To have compassion for a narcissist:

I am no psychologist or therapist, but when I put my mind in a therapist’s perspective, I certainly believe in having compassion for the narcissist. Their behavior is rooted from painful experiences which should never be ignored or invalidated. I can empathize with their painful experiences and understand why this behavior presents – likely as a protective mechanism. They have wounds they perpetually try to compensate for throughout their lives.

Unfortunately, there is a problem with this approach. More than likely, the narcissist doesn’t think they have a problem to begin with. When you attempt to address their behavior, he/she will likely take your empathy, care, and genuine concern as criticism and judgement. You, then, become their enemy. They have spent their lives trying to conceal their wound and their pain. Therefore, when you attempt to empathize with them, they will view this as a weakness.

In addition, narcissists typically view empathetic people as individuals they can easily use and manipulate. You may think you’re doing the right thing by being a supportive, caring person in their life; however, you are being drawn into their game of chaos and confusion. Narcissists require others to fulfill their needs or extract “narcissistic supply” from. They will use you as someone to bully, to manipulate, to make them feel good about themselves, to support them all while they emotionally abuse someone else, etc. Essentially, everyone in their life is a “pawn” they can use for whatever reason they deem necessary at the time. There is no real, true relationship with a narcissist.

To not have compassion for a narcissist:

Knowing narcissists are users, abusers, and manipulators makes it easy to have no compassion for them whatsoever. It may make you despise the narcissistic individual. This is also problematic – you are now holding on to anger towards the narcissist. You forget that they have wounds that led to their behavior in the first place. It does you no good to hate them – you can’t change them or make them want to change. Moreover, it is not productive to hold on to the negative feeling you have about them due to their behavior. All that will do is hurt you.

To remain neutral:

You can have compassion for a narcissist while maintaining your mental health and not getting involved in their drama and chaos. How? By protecting your boundaries and keeping the realistic perspective of narcissism in mind.

Remain neutral by understanding there is likely (but not always) a childhood trauma causing them deep pain which, in turn, causes their negative behavior to occur. Protect your boundaries by not engaging in possible manipulative tactics. Avoid giving them “narcissistic supply”, especially when it is unwarranted. Remember narcissists use a variety of methods to manipulate others and know they are very skilled in this category. There is often a deeper motive you may be completely unaware of so proceed with caution.

Lastly, most narcissistic individuals do not believe they have a problem, as previously mentioned. However, if a narcissist reaches a point where they are acknowledging how they hurt others and are actively trying to improve and change for the better, then they certainly deserve compassion and support. My advice is to make sure they’re truly making an effort before giving them the benefit of the doubt and being an all-in supporter. Don’t allow them to exploit you further by saying they want to “be better” but doing nothing to actually become better.

See the link here for further information.

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Reactive Abuse Vs. Mutual Abuse

Reactive Abuse Vs. Mutual Abuse

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What is reactive abuse?

In a nutshell, reactive abuse is when a victim reacts abusively in response to an abusive experience. This is typically what the abuser wants – this way, they can “prove” how unstable or mentally ill you are. It can even be used for future manipulation. They can essentially hold your reaction against you in an attempt to gain your compliance or hold guilt over your head when you confront them about their abusive behavior in the future.

What is mutual abuse?

Mutual abuse is when both partners are equally abusive in the relationship. Experts say mutual abuse is extremely rare and many do not believe it exists at all due to the power and control dynamic of abusive relationships. Typically, only one partner is seeking power and control, while the other is seeking out a normal, healthy relationship.

What to do:

When you notice you are behaving a certain way, you may start to think “why am I behaving like this?” or “this is not the norm for me, what is going on?”. This is a key indicator that something is not right with your relationship. Try not to allow yourself to go down the rabbit hole of “this is all my fault”. Instead, take a step back and make note of your patterns. Ask yourself when your behavior occurs and consider what led up to said behavior. Are you being the instigator and provoking your partner? Or are you reacting to their abusive behavior?

I encourage you to avoid looking at the situation as “mutual abuse”. At first glance or first thought, it may very well seem like you both are mutually abusive. However, abusive relationships typically do not occur in this manner. Even experts are uncertain if “mutual abuse” exists at all. Why? Because abuse is an imbalance of power. One partner is seeking control of the other whether that be through physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, or psychological abuse.

Instead, focus on YOUR behavior. Note whether or not you are reacting to your partner being abusive initially. Think about what led up to your behavior and consider other more positive ways to handle similar situations in the future. Then, prepare ahead to respond versus react in these situations.

Learning to respond versus react is imperative. The abuser relies on your reaction and he or she will use your reactions against you time and time again. Most abusers will either say you are the abusive one or that you both are mutually abusive so that they don’t have to take responsibility for their own actions. In order to take your power back, you must learn to respond and avoid reacting. If your partner’s behavior continues despite your positive changes, then it is likely he or she is intentionally provoking you. At this point, it may be in your better interest to consider exiting the relationship.

Remember, reacting to an abusive situation does not mean your behavior is acceptable to continue engaging in moving forward. However, knowing you are reacting versus instigating is essential in healing and growing from the situation, especially when/if your partner holds your reaction against you in the future.

See the link here for more information.

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Signs You're The Victim Of Narcissistic Abuse

Signs You’re The Victim Of Narcissistic Abuse

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A Tribute To The article that saved me

Today, I wanted to share an article that describes what it feels like to go through narcissistic abuse. This article shed so much light on a couple of my past relationships. When I read this article, I literally felt chills all over my body because I had never read anything more accurate to my experience. It helped me walk away from a relationship that was going no where and was never going to go anywhere. I’m so thankful I found this article because if I hadn’t, I would probably still be in the relationship today. I hope and pray this article helps someone experiencing a similar situation to do the same.

Check out the article here.

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Relationship Cycle With A Narcissist

Relationship Cycle With A Narcissist

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Idealize + Devalue + Discard

In my research and readings of narcissism, I learned there is a typical relationship cycle when dealing with a narcissist – idealize, devalue, and discard. This cycle is devastating to the narcissist’s partner and can quite literally destroy him or her on a mental and emotional level. It is also emotional and psychological abuse. Each phase includes a specific set behaviors which are all done in order to manipulate and extract narcissistic supply.

Idealize

The idealization phase is much like the “honeymoon” phase of any typical relationship. What sets this phase apart from a typical relationship is the level of intensity. In the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist, individuals may feel as if they have found their soulmate, often describing the love they have found as “otherworldly” – something they only could have imagined in their wildest dreams. The narcissist puts their partner on a pedestal, also referred to as “love bombing” – flooding you with compliments, “showing you off” to all their friends, wanting to spend excessive amounts of time together, and making promises of a future together. You will essentially feel like you are the most special person in their life. This phase can last from a few weeks to as much as a year. Then, the narcissist will begin chipping away at you – piece by piece.

Devalue

The “devalue” phase is exactly what it sounds like. Devaluing you, or throwing you off of the invisible pedestal they initially put you on. This typically begins happening when the relationship becomes comfortable and the narcissist begins to see that you are not “perfect”, that you are human and have flaws just like everyone else. It typically begins very slowly and covertly but builds with time – putting you down, gaslighting, withholding emotional or physical intimacy, disappearing from contact, projecting, and blaming you for anything that does not go his or her way. Again, this cycle typically begins very slowly and increases in frequency as the relationship continues. The narcissist will give his or her partner intermittent reinforcement throughout this phase which includes various “love bombing” behaviors from the idealization phase. The partner will often continue to stay in the relationship even as the frequency of devaluing behaviors increase for a few major reasons: 1.) the individual sees the “good” side of the narcissist, or the “potential” of a promising future, 2.) the narcissist has made the partner feel the need to “prove” his or her value and worthiness, and 3.) this cycle actually begins to rewire your brain – also known as “trauma bonding”.

Discard

The discard phase is when the narcissist ends the relationship. Typically, the discard will occur when the partner begins asking for compromise, reciprocity, honesty, and boundaries – all of which are reasonable and healthy relationship requests. When the relationship beings to require any effort on the narcissist’s end, he or she often decides the relationship has “expired”. Narcissists require excessive amounts of attention, whether that be positive or negative, to essentially “fill up” their ego tank. Relationship partners serve as a constant, stable source of supply. When the narcissist becomes bored of the main source of supply and can no longer get away with their negative behavior, that source of supply is no longer deemed “valuable”; therefore, the narcissist discards the relationship partner. The discard often occurs unexpectedly in an egregious form of emotional abuse. The partner is left appalled and bewildered, unable to understand how someone who he or she loved so much could throw their entire relationship away.

Once the discard has taken place, the narcissist may begin to “hoover” to maintain his or her narcissistic supply. This generally happens when the partner decides to end the relationship before the narcissist has the chance to discard; however, hoovering can occur months, even years, after the initial discard regardless of who initiated the discard. Sometimes, the discard happens in a way that leaves “hope” for the relationship in the eyes of the partner, which can essentially extend the discard phase much longer, leading to an even more malicious final discard.

The discard often includes triangulation with a new partner. The narcissist will be on the hunt for a new source of primary supply long before the relationship ends. Often, narcissists will be involved (talking to and/or physically engaging) with other women or men throughout the relationship, as this feeds their ego and serves as another source of supply. Sometimes, they may use one of these individuals as a main source of supply after the discard. Other times, they will begin hunting for a new primary supply once the current partner begins requesting effort, despite having other sources of secondary supply. After the discard, this new supply will become their main source; thus, “triangulating” the old partner.

When the old partner sees the narcissist with a new partner shortly after the discard, it causes an even greater sense of emotional turmoil. The old partner is left believing all the negative statements that the narcissist previously said or implied – you’re too sensitive, you’re a miserable person to be around, you have major character flaws, you always start an argument, you are exhausting to be with – how else could he or she have moved on so quickly? The previous partner will often ruminate on these overly harsh criticisms and may even begin to believe they are worthless and unlovable. This is extremely damaging and emotionally traumatic for the old partner, often leaving them depressed and full of anxiety. In the worst cases, victims will begin having suicidal thoughts or committing suicide because they feel so worthless and unlovable as a result of the abuse.

Final Comments

This type of relationship cycle is torturous. Many people who have not experienced this type of abuse would say physical abuse is “worse” but just because the damage is not visible does not mean it isn’t equally painful. Some may argue that you should have left sooner or tell you that you’re “stupid” for getting back together with your abuser. Yet, when you’re in the situation, it is extremely difficult to end the relationship and cut all forms of contact. You may be thinking well, why is it so hard when you’re being treated badly? The trauma bond formed early on in the relationship alters brain chemistry to function similarly to that of an addict. You being to crave those emotional “highs”, so you push through those “lows” to get that next “hit”. Of course there are other contributing factors, but I believe this one has the greatest impact.

If you feel you are experiencing emotional abuse, I recommend seeking therapy immediately. Do your research and find a therapist, psychologist, or counselor who is trained in emotional abuse recovery. If not properly trained and unaware of the patterns and characteristics of emotional abuse, he or she may do more harm than good.

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