I have put together a list of my must reads for anyone interested in improving their mental health. I will continue adding to this list so make sure to check back all along!
All are linked to my Amazon storefront here!
First and foremost, narcissism exists on a spectrum. We all display narcissistic traits from time to time. This is completely normal. However, there are some individuals who are higher on the spectrum and/or have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). In order to be diagnosed with the personality disorder, you must meet the criteria listed in the DSM-5. It is also important to mention just because a narcissistic individual is not diagnosed with NPD does not mean their personal narcissistic traits can’t be equally harmful as a person with diagnosed NPD. Narcissists often have a history of neglect or abuse in childhood or some other traumatic childhood experience. Knowing this, you may naturally have empathy and compassion for a narcissistic individual.
I am no psychologist or therapist, but when I put my mind in a therapist’s perspective, I certainly believe in having compassion for the narcissist. Their behavior is rooted from painful experiences which should never be ignored or invalidated. I can empathize with their painful experiences and understand why this behavior presents – likely as a protective mechanism. They have wounds they perpetually try to compensate for throughout their lives.
Unfortunately, there is a problem with this approach. More than likely, the narcissist doesn’t think they have a problem to begin with. When you attempt to address their behavior, he/she will likely take your empathy, care, and genuine concern as criticism and judgement. You, then, become their enemy. They have spent their lives trying to conceal their wound and their pain. Therefore, when you attempt to empathize with them, they will view this as a weakness.
In addition, narcissists typically view empathetic people as individuals they can easily use and manipulate. You may think you’re doing the right thing by being a supportive, caring person in their life; however, you are being drawn into their game of chaos and confusion. Narcissists require others to fulfill their needs or extract “narcissistic supply” from. They will use you as someone to bully, to manipulate, to make them feel good about themselves, to support them all while they emotionally abuse someone else, etc. Essentially, everyone in their life is a “pawn” they can use for whatever reason they deem necessary at the time. There is no real, true relationship with a narcissist.
Knowing narcissists are users, abusers, and manipulators makes it easy to have no compassion for them whatsoever. It may make you despise the narcissistic individual. This is also problematic – you are now holding on to anger towards the narcissist. You forget that they have wounds that led to their behavior in the first place. It does you no good to hate them – you can’t change them or make them want to change. Moreover, it is not productive to hold on to the negative feeling you have about them due to their behavior. All that will do is hurt you.
You can have compassion for a narcissist while maintaining your mental health and not getting involved in their drama and chaos. How? By protecting your boundaries and keeping the realistic perspective of narcissism in mind.
Remain neutral by understanding there is likely (but not always) a childhood trauma causing them deep pain which, in turn, causes their negative behavior to occur. Protect your boundaries by not engaging in possible manipulative tactics. Avoid giving them “narcissistic supply”, especially when it is unwarranted. Remember narcissists use a variety of methods to manipulate others and know they are very skilled in this category. There is often a deeper motive you may be completely unaware of so proceed with caution.
Lastly, most narcissistic individuals do not believe they have a problem, as previously mentioned. However, if a narcissist reaches a point where they are acknowledging how they hurt others and are actively trying to improve and change for the better, then they certainly deserve compassion and support. My advice is to make sure they’re truly making an effort before giving them the benefit of the doubt and being an all-in supporter. Don’t allow them to exploit you further by saying they want to “be better” but doing nothing to actually become better.
See the link here for further information.
Today, I wanted to share an article that describes what it feels like to go through narcissistic abuse. This article shed so much light on a couple of my past relationships. When I read this article, I literally felt chills all over my body because I had never read anything more accurate to my experience. It helped me walk away from a relationship that was going no where and was never going to go anywhere. I’m so thankful I found this article because if I hadn’t, I would probably still be in the relationship today. I hope and pray this article helps someone experiencing a similar situation to do the same.
Check out the article here.
In my research and readings of narcissism, I learned there is a typical relationship cycle when dealing with a narcissist – idealize, devalue, and discard. This cycle is devastating to the narcissist’s partner and can quite literally destroy him or her on a mental and emotional level. It is also emotional and psychological abuse. Each phase includes a specific set behaviors which are all done in order to manipulate and extract narcissistic supply.
The idealization phase is much like the “honeymoon” phase of any typical relationship. What sets this phase apart from a typical relationship is the level of intensity. In the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist, individuals may feel as if they have found their soulmate, often describing the love they have found as “otherworldly” – something they only could have imagined in their wildest dreams. The narcissist puts their partner on a pedestal, also referred to as “love bombing” – flooding you with compliments, “showing you off” to all their friends, wanting to spend excessive amounts of time together, and making promises of a future together. You will essentially feel like you are the most special person in their life. This phase can last from a few weeks to as much as a year. Then, the narcissist will begin chipping away at you – piece by piece.
The “devalue” phase is exactly what it sounds like. Devaluing you, or throwing you off of the invisible pedestal they initially put you on. This typically begins happening when the relationship becomes comfortable and the narcissist begins to see that you are not “perfect”, that you are human and have flaws just like everyone else. It typically begins very slowly and covertly but builds with time – putting you down, gaslighting, withholding emotional or physical intimacy, disappearing from contact, projecting, and blaming you for anything that does not go his or her way. Again, this cycle typically begins very slowly and increases in frequency as the relationship continues. The narcissist will give his or her partner intermittent reinforcement throughout this phase which includes various “love bombing” behaviors from the idealization phase. The partner will often continue to stay in the relationship even as the frequency of devaluing behaviors increase for a few major reasons: 1.) the individual sees the “good” side of the narcissist, or the “potential” of a promising future, 2.) the narcissist has made the partner feel the need to “prove” his or her value and worthiness, and 3.) this cycle actually begins to rewire your brain – also known as “trauma bonding”.
The discard phase is when the narcissist ends the relationship. Typically, the discard will occur when the partner begins asking for compromise, reciprocity, honesty, and boundaries – all of which are reasonable and healthy relationship requests. When the relationship beings to require any effort on the narcissist’s end, he or she often decides the relationship has “expired”. Narcissists require excessive amounts of attention, whether that be positive or negative, to essentially “fill up” their ego tank. Relationship partners serve as a constant, stable source of supply. When the narcissist becomes bored of the main source of supply and can no longer get away with their negative behavior, that source of supply is no longer deemed “valuable”; therefore, the narcissist discards the relationship partner. The discard often occurs unexpectedly in an egregious form of emotional abuse. The partner is left appalled and bewildered, unable to understand how someone who he or she loved so much could throw their entire relationship away.
Once the discard has taken place, the narcissist may begin to “hoover” to maintain his or her narcissistic supply. This generally happens when the partner decides to end the relationship before the narcissist has the chance to discard; however, hoovering can occur months, even years, after the initial discard regardless of who initiated the discard. Sometimes, the discard happens in a way that leaves “hope” for the relationship in the eyes of the partner, which can essentially extend the discard phase much longer, leading to an even more malicious final discard.
The discard often includes triangulation with a new partner. The narcissist will be on the hunt for a new source of primary supply long before the relationship ends. Often, narcissists will be involved (talking to and/or physically engaging) with other women or men throughout the relationship, as this feeds their ego and serves as another source of supply. Sometimes, they may use one of these individuals as a main source of supply after the discard. Other times, they will begin hunting for a new primary supply once the current partner begins requesting effort, despite having other sources of secondary supply. After the discard, this new supply will become their main source; thus, “triangulating” the old partner.
When the old partner sees the narcissist with a new partner shortly after the discard, it causes an even greater sense of emotional turmoil. The old partner is left believing all the negative statements that the narcissist previously said or implied – you’re too sensitive, you’re a miserable person to be around, you have major character flaws, you always start an argument, you are exhausting to be with – how else could he or she have moved on so quickly? The previous partner will often ruminate on these overly harsh criticisms and may even begin to believe they are worthless and unlovable. This is extremely damaging and emotionally traumatic for the old partner, often leaving them depressed and full of anxiety. In the worst cases, victims will begin having suicidal thoughts or committing suicide because they feel so worthless and unlovable as a result of the abuse.
This type of relationship cycle is torturous. Many people who have not experienced this type of abuse would say physical abuse is “worse” but just because the damage is not visible does not mean it isn’t equally painful. Some may argue that you should have left sooner or tell you that you’re “stupid” for getting back together with your abuser. Yet, when you’re in the situation, it is extremely difficult to end the relationship and cut all forms of contact. You may be thinking well, why is it so hard when you’re being treated badly? The trauma bond formed early on in the relationship alters brain chemistry to function similarly to that of an addict. You being to crave those emotional “highs”, so you push through those “lows” to get that next “hit”. Of course there are other contributing factors, but I believe this one has the greatest impact.
If you feel you are experiencing emotional abuse, I recommend seeking therapy immediately. Do your research and find a therapist, psychologist, or counselor who is trained in emotional abuse recovery. If not properly trained and unaware of the patterns and characteristics of emotional abuse, he or she may do more harm than good.
Today, I am sharing an article defining the 8 sub-types of narcissism. I have read several different articles on this topic, but this article explained each type in a concise, numbered list and included all currently defined sub-types.
This is a brief, but interesting read. As you will see, narcissism comes in many different forms. Please keep in mind there is a difference between narcissism and typical, healthy “narcissistic” behavior.
Key point: Narcissists use manipulation as a means to an end. Healthy individuals do not.
Check out the article here.
The Dark Triad, a term coined by Paulhus and Williams in 2002, typically refers to three severely negative personality traits – narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. “Dark Triad” refers to individuals who possess these negative traits, but may not necessarily present with a diagnosis of a full-blown personality disorder.
All three of these negative personality types (further described below) are generally marked by varying degrees of aggression motivated by self-interest, lack of empathy, and skilled manipulation.
Narcissism is a term often used to describe someone who is generally self-centered or obsessed with their appearance. In the dictionary, this term is defined as “excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one’s physical appearance”. However, when we are speaking of personality traits as a whole, narcissism embodies much more than that. Below is a list of narcissistic traits, as found on Medical News Today (link also provided below):
Click here to read more.
Most people would identify with a few of these traits at some point or another in their life. For example, I identify with “seeking out praise and positive reinforcement from others” sometimes, especially when I’m not feeling confident about something – whether that be appearance or certain skills with my job. I also identify with “responding to criticism with anger, humiliation, and shame” sometimes, especially when the criticism is unnecessarily harsh. Does that make me a narcissist? Absolutely not. Identifying with some of these traits is completely normal. We all have some narcissistic tendencies from time to time and that is okay! However, it becomes more serious when these traits are present all of the time across various contexts – especially when manipulation is involved.
Further, narcissism isn’t a one-size-fits-all category. Narcissism lies on a spectrum and comes in varying levels of severity. Oftentimes, we think of narcissists as extremely attractive or extremely wealthy men or women. However, narcissists can be found in any level of socioeconomic status, race, religion, occupation – you name it. Appearance doesn’t play a factor either. In terms of psychology, narcissism exists as mental condition called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). However, not all people with narcissistic traits have NPD. I have provided a list of signs and symptoms of NPD below, as found on Mayo Clinic’s website. I have also provided the link for further information.
Signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and the severity of symptoms vary. People with the disorder can:
At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they perceive as criticism, and they can:
Again, if you identify with some of these traits, that does not mean you have NPD. In order to be diagnosed, you must be evaluated by a trained psychologist. It is also highly important to note that many individuals with NPD never receive a diagnosis because these persons are highly unlikely to seek out professional help due to the nature of the disorder.
Click here to read more.
Machiavellianism is not a personality disorder, but rather a set of behaviors and attitudes. This term is used to describe behavior that is deceitful, calculated, and exploitative. While narcissistic behavior is described similarly, Machiavellianism is marked by strategic planning of deception over a long period of time. Two other major distinctions include the type of deception used and their attitudes about morality.
Further, the Machiavellian is more likely to break laws. The consequences of breaking the law in question will determine if it is worth the risk to fulfill their self-interest – not because it is morally “wrong” or unethical. They do not care if their behavior goes against moral code. It means nothing to them as long as they gain whatever they are seeking. Their strategic planning of deceit is done quite purposefully in order to gain a long-term advantage.
Click here and here to read more.
The term “psychopath” is used a lot in today’s society to describe someone behaving erratically or someone who seems “emotionally unstable”. In the area of psychiatry, the actual term for psychopathy is Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) – which describes an individual who displays patterns of manipulation and violation of others. Don’t let the word “antisocial” fool you. When used in this context, it is a descriptor term for someone who goes against the common rules of society. Below is a list of signs found on Heathline (see link provided for more information):
Click here to read more.
Psychopath and sociopath are similar terms, but have different meanings. See the charts provided below, as they discuss the primary differences between the two terms.
Images obtained by pediaa.com (top) and relatablethoughts.wordpress.com (bottom).
In summary, individuals possessing many of these traits are incredibly mentally and emotionally unhealthy to be around. However, it is rather tricky to pinpoint these behaviors until you have spent a lot of time with the Dark Triad individual. Often, the behaviors begin subtly and go unnoticed until you are fully invested with the individual. Although I believe we should give a person the benefit of the doubt in many circumstances, we should never completely ignore red flags, no matter how small they may seem. It could save you a lot of time and heartache. I will discuss red flags and the typical “relationship” stages of being involved with an individual with these traits in my next couple of posts.
Until then,
Main + Meg 