Tag: Toxic Traits

Compassion For The Narcissist

Compassion For The Narcissist

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Should I have compassion for a narcissist?

First and foremost, narcissism exists on a spectrum. We all display narcissistic traits from time to time. This is completely normal. However, there are some individuals who are higher on the spectrum and/or have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). In order to be diagnosed with the personality disorder, you must meet the criteria listed in the DSM-5. It is also important to mention just because a narcissistic individual is not diagnosed with NPD does not mean their personal narcissistic traits can’t be equally harmful as a person with diagnosed NPD. Narcissists often have a history of neglect or abuse in childhood or some other traumatic childhood experience. Knowing this, you may naturally have empathy and compassion for a narcissistic individual.

To have compassion for a narcissist:

I am no psychologist or therapist, but when I put my mind in a therapist’s perspective, I certainly believe in having compassion for the narcissist. Their behavior is rooted from painful experiences which should never be ignored or invalidated. I can empathize with their painful experiences and understand why this behavior presents – likely as a protective mechanism. They have wounds they perpetually try to compensate for throughout their lives.

Unfortunately, there is a problem with this approach. More than likely, the narcissist doesn’t think they have a problem to begin with. When you attempt to address their behavior, he/she will likely take your empathy, care, and genuine concern as criticism and judgement. You, then, become their enemy. They have spent their lives trying to conceal their wound and their pain. Therefore, when you attempt to empathize with them, they will view this as a weakness.

In addition, narcissists typically view empathetic people as individuals they can easily use and manipulate. You may think you’re doing the right thing by being a supportive, caring person in their life; however, you are being drawn into their game of chaos and confusion. Narcissists require others to fulfill their needs or extract “narcissistic supply” from. They will use you as someone to bully, to manipulate, to make them feel good about themselves, to support them all while they emotionally abuse someone else, etc. Essentially, everyone in their life is a “pawn” they can use for whatever reason they deem necessary at the time. There is no real, true relationship with a narcissist.

To not have compassion for a narcissist:

Knowing narcissists are users, abusers, and manipulators makes it easy to have no compassion for them whatsoever. It may make you despise the narcissistic individual. This is also problematic – you are now holding on to anger towards the narcissist. You forget that they have wounds that led to their behavior in the first place. It does you no good to hate them – you can’t change them or make them want to change. Moreover, it is not productive to hold on to the negative feeling you have about them due to their behavior. All that will do is hurt you.

To remain neutral:

You can have compassion for a narcissist while maintaining your mental health and not getting involved in their drama and chaos. How? By protecting your boundaries and keeping the realistic perspective of narcissism in mind.

Remain neutral by understanding there is likely (but not always) a childhood trauma causing them deep pain which, in turn, causes their negative behavior to occur. Protect your boundaries by not engaging in possible manipulative tactics. Avoid giving them “narcissistic supply”, especially when it is unwarranted. Remember narcissists use a variety of methods to manipulate others and know they are very skilled in this category. There is often a deeper motive you may be completely unaware of so proceed with caution.

Lastly, most narcissistic individuals do not believe they have a problem, as previously mentioned. However, if a narcissist reaches a point where they are acknowledging how they hurt others and are actively trying to improve and change for the better, then they certainly deserve compassion and support. My advice is to make sure they’re truly making an effort before giving them the benefit of the doubt and being an all-in supporter. Don’t allow them to exploit you further by saying they want to “be better” but doing nothing to actually become better.

See the link here for further information.

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"Toxic" People

Defining “Toxic” People

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What does it mean to be a “toxic” person?

I have grown to despise this term more and more as of lately. In our world today, the word “toxic” is overused and often an excuse to avoid accountability for our own behavior. We all exhibit toxic behaviors from time to time. Expecting a person to act and behave perfectly all of the time is completely unrealistic, especially if a person is going through a difficult period in their life or under a lot of stress. We don’t always know when someone is going through a difficult period of life or in stressful situations. It is important to acknowledge that we may not have the full story so we must be willing to show grace and compassion for others when they are demonstrating toxic behaviors. Not all people are even aware of their toxicity. Some people are more focused on other’s toxicity rather than their own – but with time, many people are able to self-reflect and work towards self-improvement rather than focusing on how other people may need to improve. However, what sets a true “toxic” person apart from the average person is their consistent negative behaviors over a long period of time. True toxicity exists when a person is unwilling to acknowledge and improve their behavior. Truly toxic people expect others to constantly work on their behavior but never work on improving their own. Once you improve your weak areas, they move the goal posts and expect more and more out of you while giving nothing in return.

Another point worth mentioning is that our perception of a person’s behavior is not always accurate. For example, we may perceive a shy person as rude and unfriendly when in reality they may be afraid of being judged so they shy away from social interactions with people they don’t know very well. In addition, we must become aware of our personal “triggers” and understand that just because someone triggers us, does not mean they are a negative or toxic person. Make sure to consider the other person’s intention and your own pain before writing someone off as “toxic”.

Most Common Traits of Highly Toxic Individuals

In order to identify a highly “toxic” person, we must know what to look out for. See the list below for the most common toxic traits:

  1. Toxic people are manipulative. Period. They use anyone and everyone in their life to achieve their own selfish desires. They do not care what you want and will not consider your wants or needs. They may seem to in the beginning, but that is part of how they manipulate you. They essentially groom you to buy into their facade so they can take full advantage of you later on. Often, these individuals are skilled manipulators and have been perfecting their craft for years; therefore, it is likely you may not even realize it until much later on.
  2. Toxic people are judgmental. When you first get to know a person, pay attention to how they criticize others to their face and behind their back. Before long, they’ll be doing the same to you. Their focus will be on what you’ve done or what you didn’t do – it will never be about them. If you ever try to hold them accountable, expect an intense reaction.
  3. Toxic people take no responsibility for their own feelings. They project their feelings onto you. More simply, this means the toxic person will unconsciously take their unwanted emotions or traits they do not like about themselves and attribute them to you. They may even behave in a particular way to evoke a negative response from you so they can blame you for your reaction or response. If you question them, they will defend themselves and their perspectives forevermore. They will not take responsibility for what they have done. If they do, it will either benefit them in some way or be a set up for future manipulation.
  4. Toxic people do not apologize. Everything will always be someone else’s fault. If they do apologize, it will be a poor excuse for an apology and they will not make any effort to improve their behavior. They may even go so far as to play victim in order to gain sympathy and attention from others.
  5. Toxic people are inconsistent. They are not the same person every time you are with them. Notice how their personality shifts depending on their audience. If they have a motive or want to accomplish something from a situation, their attitude, behavior, and perspective may drastically change. They know how to turn on the charm when they want something from you.
  6. Toxic people make you prove yourself to them. This can be done in various ways and in various situations from mild to extreme. For example, they may ask you where you want to go for dinner. When you tell them where you’d like to go, they will make an excuse as to why they don’t want to go there – “I just had that last week; we can go anywhere but there” or “ugh, I hate that place” – when they go there with their friends all the time. They essentially force you to conform to their wants, needs, or desires. In the most severe circumstances, this can turn into a “divide-and-conquer” situation where the only choice is them, even if that means severing ties with other close relationships you may have.
  7. Toxic people make you defend yourself. Healthy people are interested in compromising and resolving conflict so that everyone can be satisfied. Toxic people are only interested in satisfying themselves. They do not care about your point of view or resolving an issue. They will manipulate you by being vague, playing victim, and diverting attention away from the issue. They will focus on how you’re discussing the issue – your tone, your demeanor, your words, etc. Their focus is on problems, never a solution.
  8. Toxic people are not caring, supportive, or interested in what is important to you. They will always find a way to divert the attention back to them. If bad things happen to you, something worse happened to them. If good things happen to you, something better happened to them. If you’re having a struggle in a certain area of your life, they will go on and on about how great that area of their life is OR how their situation is worse. If you have plans with them, they ditch you when a more exciting opportunity comes along. If you are talking about something you are passionate about, they change the subject. They make sure the attention is always on them. Often, they will appear uninterested during conversations where the attention is on someone else.

While many traits are listed above, this is certainly not all of them – these are just the most common. I saw the list below in a post on Instagram which indicates more specific qualities often seen in toxic individuals.

Characteristics Of A Toxic Person

Final Thoughts

To reiterate, we all demonstrate toxic behaviors at some point in our lives and that is okay. We are only human. When we take the time to self-reflect and make an effort to become more aware of our own toxicity, we can better ourselves and be better to those around us. Most people do not want to hurt others and will give effort to better themselves so they don’t continue to hurt people in their lives. Unfortunately, there are people in the world who refuse to take responsibility for their own actions and behaviors and they don’t care if they hurt you. Sure, they may not necessarily “want” to hurt you, but they don’t care enough to make an effort not to. These people are unhealthy to have any type of close relationship with. They will make you feel unheard, unseen, and unimportant – just so they can feel heard, seen, and important. People can always change, but highly toxic people generally do not.

In addition, a person can be “toxic” to one person, but seemingly not to another. How? Well, it is actually quite simple. Individuals that they do not appear toxic to are the people they can continue to gain an advantage from. At their very core, toxic people are skilled manipulators lacking the ability to care for or truly empathize with another person. Every person in their lives are on puppet strings and they are the puppet master. They get a thrill of being able to take advantage of other people for whatever reason it may be. They love knowing they can control other people without them even noticing. They may even be able to show “empathy” in situations, but this is usually due to their observation of other people’s behavior. They learn how to fake empathy and are able to imitate what they have seen others do. Truly toxic people will be on their best behavior around those they can gain any advantage from – no matter how big or small that advantage may be. Once they can no longer gain anything from you, they will begin to treat you badly or just forget you exist all together – because your existence no longer serves them. Beware of these people and keep distance from them. Find people who truly care about you, who will not use you to their advantage, who will uplift you, and who want to see good things happen to you. Don’t waste anymore time on those who don’t.

This article served as a guide for this post.

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Types Of Narcissism

Types Of Narcissism

MegLeave a comment

Yes, there are types!

Today, I am sharing an article defining the 8 sub-types of narcissism. I have read several different articles on this topic, but this article explained each type in a concise, numbered list and included all currently defined sub-types.

This is a brief, but interesting read. As you will see, narcissism comes in many different forms. Please keep in mind there is a difference between narcissism and typical, healthy “narcissistic” behavior.

Key point: Narcissists use manipulation as a means to an end. Healthy individuals do not.

Check out the article here.

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The Dark Triad

The Dark Triad Personalities

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What is the Dark Triad?

The Dark Triad Traits

The Dark Triad, a term coined by Paulhus and Williams in 2002, typically refers to three severely negative personality traits – narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. “Dark Triad” refers to individuals who possess these negative traits, but may not necessarily present with a diagnosis of a full-blown personality disorder.

All three of these negative personality types (further described below) are generally marked by varying degrees of aggression motivated by self-interest, lack of empathy, and skilled manipulation.

Narcissism

Narcissism is a term often used to describe someone who is generally self-centered or obsessed with their appearance. In the dictionary, this term is defined as “excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one’s physical appearance”. However, when we are speaking of personality traits as a whole, narcissism embodies much more than that. Below is a list of narcissistic traits, as found on Medical News Today (link also provided below):

  • An insatiable appetite for the attention of others
  • Extreme feelings of jealousy
  • An expectation of special treatment
  • Exaggerating achievements, talents, and importance
  • Extreme sensitivity and a tendency to be easily hurt and to feel rejected with little provocation
  • Difficulty maintaining healthy relationships
  • Fantasizing about their own intelligence, success, power, and appearance
  • An ability to take advantage of others to achieve a goal, without regret or conscience
  • A lack empathy, or ability to understand and share the feelings of others, and a tendency to disregard others’ feelings
  • A belief that only certain people can understand their uniqueness
  • A tendency to consider themselves as skilled in romance
  • Responding to criticism with anger, humiliation, and shame
  • Seeking out praise and positive reinforcement from others
  • An expectation that others will agree with them and go along with what they want
  • Whatever they crave or yearn for must be “the best”

Click here to read more.

Most people would identify with a few of these traits at some point or another in their life. For example, I identify with “seeking out praise and positive reinforcement from others” sometimes, especially when I’m not feeling confident about something – whether that be appearance or certain skills with my job. I also identify with “responding to criticism with anger, humiliation, and shame” sometimes, especially when the criticism is unnecessarily harsh. Does that make me a narcissist? Absolutely not. Identifying with some of these traits is completely normal. We all have some narcissistic tendencies from time to time and that is okay! However, it becomes more serious when these traits are present all of the time across various contexts – especially when manipulation is involved.

Further, narcissism isn’t a one-size-fits-all category. Narcissism lies on a spectrum and comes in varying levels of severity. Oftentimes, we think of narcissists as extremely attractive or extremely wealthy men or women. However, narcissists can be found in any level of socioeconomic status, race, religion, occupation – you name it. Appearance doesn’t play a factor either. In terms of psychology, narcissism exists as mental condition called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). However, not all people with narcissistic traits have NPD. I have provided a list of signs and symptoms of NPD below, as found on Mayo Clinic’s website. I have also provided the link for further information.

Signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and the severity of symptoms vary. People with the disorder can:

  • Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance
  • Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration
  • Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
  • Exaggerate achievements and talents
  • Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
  • Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people
  • Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior
  • Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations
  • Take advantage of others to get what they want
  • Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
  • Be envious of others and believe others envy them
  • Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious
  • Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office

At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they perceive as criticism, and they can:

  • Become impatient or angry when they don’t receive special treatment
  • Have significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted
  • React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior
  • Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior
  • Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change
  • Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection
  • Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation

Again, if you identify with some of these traits, that does not mean you have NPD. In order to be diagnosed, you must be evaluated by a trained psychologist. It is also highly important to note that many individuals with NPD never receive a diagnosis because these persons are highly unlikely to seek out professional help due to the nature of the disorder.

Click here to read more.

Machiavellianism

Machiavellianism is not a personality disorder, but rather a set of behaviors and attitudes. This term is used to describe behavior that is deceitful, calculated, and exploitative. While narcissistic behavior is described similarly, Machiavellianism is marked by strategic planning of deception over a long period of time. Two other major distinctions include the type of deception used and their attitudes about morality.

Further, the Machiavellian is more likely to break laws. The consequences of breaking the law in question will determine if it is worth the risk to fulfill their self-interest – not because it is morally “wrong” or unethical. They do not care if their behavior goes against moral code. It means nothing to them as long as they gain whatever they are seeking. Their strategic planning of deceit is done quite purposefully in order to gain a long-term advantage.

Click here and here to read more.

Psychopathy

The term “psychopath” is used a lot in today’s society to describe someone behaving erratically or someone who seems “emotionally unstable”. In the area of psychiatry, the actual term for psychopathy is Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) – which describes an individual who displays patterns of manipulation and violation of others. Don’t let the word “antisocial” fool you. When used in this context, it is a descriptor term for someone who goes against the common rules of society. Below is a list of signs found on Heathline (see link provided for more information):

  • socially irresponsible behavior
  • disregarding or violating the rights of others
  • inability to distinguish between right and wrong
  • difficulty with showing remorse or empathy
  • tendency to lie often
  • manipulating and hurting others
  • recurring problems with the law 
  • general disregard towards safety and responsibility

Click here to read more.

Psychopath vs. Sociopath

Psychopath and sociopath are similar terms, but have different meanings. See the charts provided below, as they discuss the primary differences between the two terms.

Psychopath versus Sociopath Chart
Psychopath versus Sociopath Venn Diagram

Images obtained by pediaa.com (top) and relatablethoughts.wordpress.com (bottom).

Final Thoughts

In summary, individuals possessing many of these traits are incredibly mentally and emotionally unhealthy to be around. However, it is rather tricky to pinpoint these behaviors until you have spent a lot of time with the Dark Triad individual. Often, the behaviors begin subtly and go unnoticed until you are fully invested with the individual. Although I believe we should give a person the benefit of the doubt in many circumstances, we should never completely ignore red flags, no matter how small they may seem. It could save you a lot of time and heartache. I will discuss red flags and the typical “relationship” stages of being involved with an individual with these traits in my next couple of posts.

Until then,

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